So while on "vacation" last week in my hometown of Philadelphia Andy and I watched a TED video by supermodel Cameron Russell. Her talk about image has really stuck with me as I struggle with my own image.
Overall I'm quite confident but as I continue to struggle with my weight gain I feel unsatisfied and unsure of myself. I suffer from hypothyroidism but I also suffer from "food is my comfort and friend"itis.
These are a few of Cameron's quotes:
"Image is powerful, but image is superficial."
"Being fearless means being honest."
"Beauty is not defined as health, but as tall, slender, feminine figures."
And so as a gorgeous, successful and young model I hear her say these things. I'm excited that she is intelligent and has some perceived depth to her but what about my image?
Sometimes I feel selfish just thinking about it. Andy tells me everyday that I'm beautiful but I don't feel beautiful.
I'm a perfectionist and I feel like I'm failing myself or something. I don't know. I'm just not content and I feel like I don't measure up to my own expectations--the image that I want others to have of me.
On the one hand I know that I shouldn't care, but I do. I don't want to and some days I don't, but overall I do.
My whole life I have felt like I never fit in or belong. It's still true. I want the image instead of belonging and of fitting in. For me, that means being secure in how I look and I'm not.
"Being fearless means being honest" as Cameron says but it's so vulnerable...
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Priorities
Over the years I've written on this blog that I need a right relationship with God and with myself. Being healthy is part of that for me and striking the right balance is a challenging thing for anyone I suppose, but especially for me.
I've adjusted my priorities and I'm getting some push back.
I work with a lot of needy people and at times it feels as if everyone in my life is needy. Elijah needs me. Andy needs me. The corps people need me. The youth need me. The employees need me. The problems and issues that need to be solved need me. The dog needs me. The housework needs me. The cooking needs me....and on and on it goes.
Many of these people (I call them "takers") believe they have the right to monopolize my time and my life. Too often I believe we in the Army allow people to do that to us. There is poor separation between our personal lives and the work of the Army. For some people that may work but I'm learning that I need my space for my health and for the well being of our family.
After some reflecting and a bit of a mental retreat from the things that drain my energy I have figured out what I NEED and am trying to live in balance with that.
I need time with my LORD. I need to tell others about Him.
I need time with Elijah and Andy that is NOT work related.
I need time to be healthy. To be in my home, to cook, to read and to exercise.
I need time to invest in others not because they simply need me but because it is simply satisfying to my soul.
If you figure out how you spend your time you can see what it is that you truly value. I am attempting to adjust my time so that what I truly care about is reflected by the time I spend.
Right now it's opening a Family Store...ugh...
Make no mistake--I'm still a workaholic and am figuring this all out but realizing that Bible Study has to happen every night for me as does quality time with Elijah and Andy. Exercise, whether at 5am or 9pm, is something that I need to do. I need time to take mental retreats from the pressure that presses against me from every angle, a lot of it self-inflicted. Thank you, Pinterest, for that. :)
"Come to me, all you who are weary, and I will give you rest..."
I've adjusted my priorities and I'm getting some push back.
I work with a lot of needy people and at times it feels as if everyone in my life is needy. Elijah needs me. Andy needs me. The corps people need me. The youth need me. The employees need me. The problems and issues that need to be solved need me. The dog needs me. The housework needs me. The cooking needs me....and on and on it goes.
Many of these people (I call them "takers") believe they have the right to monopolize my time and my life. Too often I believe we in the Army allow people to do that to us. There is poor separation between our personal lives and the work of the Army. For some people that may work but I'm learning that I need my space for my health and for the well being of our family.
After some reflecting and a bit of a mental retreat from the things that drain my energy I have figured out what I NEED and am trying to live in balance with that.
I need time with my LORD. I need to tell others about Him.
I need time with Elijah and Andy that is NOT work related.
I need time to be healthy. To be in my home, to cook, to read and to exercise.
I need time to invest in others not because they simply need me but because it is simply satisfying to my soul.
If you figure out how you spend your time you can see what it is that you truly value. I am attempting to adjust my time so that what I truly care about is reflected by the time I spend.
Right now it's opening a Family Store...ugh...
Make no mistake--I'm still a workaholic and am figuring this all out but realizing that Bible Study has to happen every night for me as does quality time with Elijah and Andy. Exercise, whether at 5am or 9pm, is something that I need to do. I need time to take mental retreats from the pressure that presses against me from every angle, a lot of it self-inflicted. Thank you, Pinterest, for that. :)
"Come to me, all you who are weary, and I will give you rest..."
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Re-start button
Anyone ever wish they had a re-start button...for life...for the day...for something in your life?
I do.
I believe that God has blessed me with much and I am grateful. I don't think I want to re-start my life.
But maybe a re-start to a day every now and again would be a good thing.
Especially when I'm tired, frustrated, and feel like the weight of the entire world is on my shoulders and I have to carry it all.
I suppose some call that stress.
I call it high responsibility.
It's at these times that I am reminded of how much I am in need of a savior, a way to relax, and an outlet like this.
Our first Christmas in Murfreesboro is going well. Smoothly. But we are super, super, busy.
Opening a thrift store in the middle of Christmas was quite ambitious of me and we will get through it but every now and again I need a re-start button.
Before the sun rises I am wide awake, showered and ready to go. My mind wakes my up running with all of the things that need to be done. And I want to get them all done in that instant. I get frustrated that places aren't open at 6am so that I can call.
This morning when this happened I wanted to shut my mind down and not go back to sleep, but spend some time in prayer and meditation with the LORD.
But I couldn't.
Grrrrrr....
My prayer for tonight is a re-start button for the morning to be focused on quality time with my LORD.
I do.
I believe that God has blessed me with much and I am grateful. I don't think I want to re-start my life.
But maybe a re-start to a day every now and again would be a good thing.
Especially when I'm tired, frustrated, and feel like the weight of the entire world is on my shoulders and I have to carry it all.
I suppose some call that stress.
I call it high responsibility.
It's at these times that I am reminded of how much I am in need of a savior, a way to relax, and an outlet like this.
Our first Christmas in Murfreesboro is going well. Smoothly. But we are super, super, busy.
Opening a thrift store in the middle of Christmas was quite ambitious of me and we will get through it but every now and again I need a re-start button.
Before the sun rises I am wide awake, showered and ready to go. My mind wakes my up running with all of the things that need to be done. And I want to get them all done in that instant. I get frustrated that places aren't open at 6am so that I can call.
This morning when this happened I wanted to shut my mind down and not go back to sleep, but spend some time in prayer and meditation with the LORD.
But I couldn't.
Grrrrrr....
My prayer for tonight is a re-start button for the morning to be focused on quality time with my LORD.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Too young
This week I learned that childhood friends are divorcing. And another friend has cancer.
This saddens me deeply and makes me think that they are too young for this.
But when really is the "right" age to get divorced? Or to have cancer?
There isn't.
Having faith that God is in control in ALL situations and at ALL times--no matter the age or season of life--is where our focus needs to be.
I am compelled to pray for them and need to be thankful for what I have and where I am. It humbles me and I need that.
This saddens me deeply and makes me think that they are too young for this.
But when really is the "right" age to get divorced? Or to have cancer?
There isn't.
Having faith that God is in control in ALL situations and at ALL times--no matter the age or season of life--is where our focus needs to be.
I am compelled to pray for them and need to be thankful for what I have and where I am. It humbles me and I need that.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Cheering Me On
After gaining so much weight with pregnancy I've felt like it hasn't
come off quickly enough. I am in my pre-pregnancy clothes, but still
have some extra weight.
As a task/goal oriented person I decided to train for another half marathon after having the baby. I bought new running shoes and trained for the race that was in March. It felt good to get moving again.
Then I "over did" it or something like that and had to go to PT three times a week and not run for almost 10 weeks. I sold my bib and watched the race on the sidelines (literally since the race ran by my office). I was disappointed and the weight loss slowed down, but was still making progress. Just not fast enough for ME.
Since moving I've been cooking, eating well, buying organic and fresh stuff and loving it.
I've been running three times a week. There is a great trail a half mile from where we live so it's great incentive to get up before the sun (especially since the sun is waking up later and later...) and watch the sun rise, take in the scenery, smell the countryside and let my soul breath a little bit.
After two weeks of not eating that great, but still running, I needed to get in gear so I ordered some much needed new running shoes and broke them in today.
On my home stretch of the run I look up to see Andy in uniform holding Elijah at the curb. Elijah was clapping for me!
I am a blessed woman. I love my husband. And my kid. Now I want to run a marathon--well, I think I'm over that but I am interested in a triathalon...
Who do you have cheering you on?
As a task/goal oriented person I decided to train for another half marathon after having the baby. I bought new running shoes and trained for the race that was in March. It felt good to get moving again.
Then I "over did" it or something like that and had to go to PT three times a week and not run for almost 10 weeks. I sold my bib and watched the race on the sidelines (literally since the race ran by my office). I was disappointed and the weight loss slowed down, but was still making progress. Just not fast enough for ME.
Since moving I've been cooking, eating well, buying organic and fresh stuff and loving it.
I've been running three times a week. There is a great trail a half mile from where we live so it's great incentive to get up before the sun (especially since the sun is waking up later and later...) and watch the sun rise, take in the scenery, smell the countryside and let my soul breath a little bit.
After two weeks of not eating that great, but still running, I needed to get in gear so I ordered some much needed new running shoes and broke them in today.
On my home stretch of the run I look up to see Andy in uniform holding Elijah at the curb. Elijah was clapping for me!
I am a blessed woman. I love my husband. And my kid. Now I want to run a marathon--well, I think I'm over that but I am interested in a triathalon...
Who do you have cheering you on?
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Blessed.
I am blessed. Plain and simple.
I make Elijah's baby food and I made up a good batch tonight and for the realization that I had enough counter space to do what needed to be done hit me. I am blessed.
This afternoon I got to have lunch at a restaurant in town with Andy, Elijah, and Andy's parents. The ability to go out to lunch and do it with family and people that I love and who love me is a blessing.
Worship this morning with our congregation was beautiful. We are doing a series right now on what it means to be the church and today's topic was love. We have a family with a little boy struggling with some serious health issues and we were able to pray for them. Another lady shared a "love testimony" about how God has changed her heart about someone. God is moving. We are blessed.
Last night we got to be in the hospital with a family we love as their loved one passed away. Just to be there with them in that time and to love them is a privilege. We are blessed.
Going to the farmer's market, running on the Greenway trails here, driving kids to camp, having people to love and care for....I am blessed.
Sometimes I needed to be reminded of how much I truly have and need to not take if for granted. I am grateful and needed the reminder. After a few months of struggling internally I am ready to move on and grasp the good things that God has in store for me, for my marriage, and for my calling.
I am blessed. So are you. Do you need to be reminded?
I make Elijah's baby food and I made up a good batch tonight and for the realization that I had enough counter space to do what needed to be done hit me. I am blessed.
This afternoon I got to have lunch at a restaurant in town with Andy, Elijah, and Andy's parents. The ability to go out to lunch and do it with family and people that I love and who love me is a blessing.
Worship this morning with our congregation was beautiful. We are doing a series right now on what it means to be the church and today's topic was love. We have a family with a little boy struggling with some serious health issues and we were able to pray for them. Another lady shared a "love testimony" about how God has changed her heart about someone. God is moving. We are blessed.
Last night we got to be in the hospital with a family we love as their loved one passed away. Just to be there with them in that time and to love them is a privilege. We are blessed.
Going to the farmer's market, running on the Greenway trails here, driving kids to camp, having people to love and care for....I am blessed.
Sometimes I needed to be reminded of how much I truly have and need to not take if for granted. I am grateful and needed the reminder. After a few months of struggling internally I am ready to move on and grasp the good things that God has in store for me, for my marriage, and for my calling.
I am blessed. So are you. Do you need to be reminded?
Monday, June 25, 2012
Murfreesboro honeymoon love
Moving here has been like a breath of fresh air for me. There are so many blessings and it's only been ONE week!
God is faithful in spite of what we may deserve at times. I am so grateful.
We have people to love. Praying for each of them individually yesterday was a moving experience for all of us. Worshiping together as a family and with our new corps family was amazing. I can't wait for next Sunday...now, what to preach?
Our employees are professional and competent. They do their jobs and they do them well. We are following great leadership and it is evident. The employees are fully vested in the true mission of the Army.
At our welcome lunch last Wednesday afternoon we spent a considerable amount of time of fellowship dreaming around the table for what they vision the Army to be in Murfreesboro. It was a beautiful time of sharing--now to see it all happen!
We get to sit around the tables and eat dinner with the men and families who call our building home for now. Our soldiers eat dinner with the shelter residents every week because they WANT to and see the shelter as a part of the Army, not just something we should be doing. Awesome.
Having a picnic lunch, visiting the farmers market, picking up kids for VBS, teaching Sunday school, vacuuming the chapel, looking for a location to open a family store, praying with a woman with stage IV cancer, talking with someone about grace and another chance in life, and having lunch at the oldest hole in the wall place in town with our advisory board chair=life as a corps officer. WE LOVE IT. You can't put a price tag on it.
There is a lot to be done and we feel the awesome responsibility that comes with representing Christ and the Army to a quarter of a million people, but we are up for the adventure. We have a lot of work to do, but we are ready to go!
Hebrew 13:20-21
Now may the God of peace—
who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus,
the great Shepherd of the sheep,
and ratified an eternal covenant with his blood—
21 may he equip you with all you need
for doing his will.
May he produce in you,
through the power of Jesus Christ,
every good thing that is pleasing to him.
All glory to him forever and ever! Amen.
Tonight, while I cooked dinner, Elijah jumped around in his exersaucer in the kitchen with me. We have a kitchen. It's not in Atlanta. :-)
God is faithful in spite of what we may deserve at times. I am so grateful.
We have people to love. Praying for each of them individually yesterday was a moving experience for all of us. Worshiping together as a family and with our new corps family was amazing. I can't wait for next Sunday...now, what to preach?
Our employees are professional and competent. They do their jobs and they do them well. We are following great leadership and it is evident. The employees are fully vested in the true mission of the Army.
At our welcome lunch last Wednesday afternoon we spent a considerable amount of time of fellowship dreaming around the table for what they vision the Army to be in Murfreesboro. It was a beautiful time of sharing--now to see it all happen!
We get to sit around the tables and eat dinner with the men and families who call our building home for now. Our soldiers eat dinner with the shelter residents every week because they WANT to and see the shelter as a part of the Army, not just something we should be doing. Awesome.
Having a picnic lunch, visiting the farmers market, picking up kids for VBS, teaching Sunday school, vacuuming the chapel, looking for a location to open a family store, praying with a woman with stage IV cancer, talking with someone about grace and another chance in life, and having lunch at the oldest hole in the wall place in town with our advisory board chair=life as a corps officer. WE LOVE IT. You can't put a price tag on it.
There is a lot to be done and we feel the awesome responsibility that comes with representing Christ and the Army to a quarter of a million people, but we are up for the adventure. We have a lot of work to do, but we are ready to go!
Hebrew 13:20-21
Now may the God of peace—
who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus,
the great Shepherd of the sheep,
and ratified an eternal covenant with his blood—
21 may he equip you with all you need
for doing his will.
May he produce in you,
through the power of Jesus Christ,
every good thing that is pleasing to him.
All glory to him forever and ever! Amen.
Tonight, while I cooked dinner, Elijah jumped around in his exersaucer in the kitchen with me. We have a kitchen. It's not in Atlanta. :-)
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