God's goal is not to make us happy, but rather, holy.
I heard a woman in my Bible Study at a local church say this a few weeks ago and I wrote it down and have been internalizing it ever since.
It's true.
God's goal--above happiness--is holiness. That is what he wants for his people but is it what we want from him? We expect God to be holy but when he works on making us holy and it gets a little uncomfortable we revert to the ideal that we should be "happy."
This idea--myth really--of work-life balance does not exist. Everything vying for my time and attention is really a priority whether it is corps business, the Family Store, Elijah, Andy, corps people, my "me" time (haha!), and being there for Zi during this transition time in her life. Oh yeah--let me not forget my HEBREW class as I picked up working toward my MDiv this fall after putting it down for two years just as I got accepted to an executive leadership class locally through the businesswoman's organization that I belong to. All of this happened at the same time. Whoops.
There were a few other things but I did sift through them and put them on a back burner for now.
Where is the time to work on making me holy?
Did I just schedule God out of my life?
No, I did not. I have had to realize what is essential versus what I perceive as a priority.
Elijah and I attending Bible Study at a local church on Wednesdays during the day together is essential. So we do. Even this morning when he woke up at 5:00am just as I was creeping out the door for the gym. So, no gym time for me today but as he is singing happily eating breakfast as I type this my time with him as we watch the sunrise and then get ready for Bible Study is essential.
Living incarnationally in my house with an 18 year old girl who has literally lost everything she has ever known and is trying to put the pieces back together is more important than knitting a hat and scarf.
Spending time with my corps ladies as we try to build relationships with women in the shelter is more important than getting an A in Hebrew.
Working alongside our Family Store manager is more essential than answering e-mails immediately as he needs encouragement.
Missing the gym this morning so that Andy can sleep as I hang out with Elijah is the right decision.
Essentials. Holiness. In all parts of everyday life.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Satisfied in You (Psalm 42 song)
I have lost my appetite
And a flood is welling up behind my eyes
So I eat the tears I cry
And if that were not enough
They know just the words to cut and tear and prod
When they ask me “Whereʼs your God?”
Why are you downcast, oh my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
I can remember when you showed your face to me
As a deer pants for water, so my soul thirsts for you
And when I survey Your splendor, You so faithfully renew
Like a bed of rest for my fainting flesh
When Iʼm looking at the ground
Itʼs an inbred feedback loop that drags me down
So itʼs time to lift my brow
And remember better days
When I loved to worship you and learn your ways
Singing sweetest songs of praise
Let my sighs give way to songs that sing about your faithfulness
Let my pain reveal your glory as my only real rest
Let my losses show me all I truly have is you
So when Iʼm drowning out at sea
And all your breakers and your waves crash down on me
Iʼll recall your safety scheme
Youʼre the one who made the waves
And your Son went out to suffer in my place
And to show me that Iʼm safe
Why am I down?
Why so disturbed?
I am satisfied in you.
And a flood is welling up behind my eyes
So I eat the tears I cry
And if that were not enough
They know just the words to cut and tear and prod
When they ask me “Whereʼs your God?”
Why are you downcast, oh my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
I can remember when you showed your face to me
As a deer pants for water, so my soul thirsts for you
And when I survey Your splendor, You so faithfully renew
Like a bed of rest for my fainting flesh
When Iʼm looking at the ground
Itʼs an inbred feedback loop that drags me down
So itʼs time to lift my brow
And remember better days
When I loved to worship you and learn your ways
Singing sweetest songs of praise
Let my sighs give way to songs that sing about your faithfulness
Let my pain reveal your glory as my only real rest
Let my losses show me all I truly have is you
So when Iʼm drowning out at sea
And all your breakers and your waves crash down on me
Iʼll recall your safety scheme
Youʼre the one who made the waves
And your Son went out to suffer in my place
And to show me that Iʼm safe
Why am I down?
Why so disturbed?
I am satisfied in you.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Healthy Church
Our adult Sunday School lesson led by CSM Cliff a couple weeks ago. These are some of my notes. I love getting to actually SIT in class and not have to lead something.
A healthy church has the following characterisitcs:
Level I
-God's empowering presence
-God exalting worship
-Spiritual Disciplines
Level II
-Learning and growing in community
-A commitment to loving and caring relationships
-Servant-leadership Development
Level III
-An outward focus
-Wise administration and accountability
-Networking with the body of Christ
-Stewardship and generosity
Scripture and prayer is woven all throughout all levels.The centrality of the Bible and prayer in all of these characterisitics.
Result: Harvest (with courage and authority)
We can expect persecution and opposition in the midst of ministry to the lost so,
-learn to depend on his protection
-learn to depend on HIS power through prayer (No prayer=no power)
-depend on God in new ways daily
A healthy church has the following characterisitcs:
Level I
-God's empowering presence
-God exalting worship
-Spiritual Disciplines
Level II
-Learning and growing in community
-A commitment to loving and caring relationships
-Servant-leadership Development
Level III
-An outward focus
-Wise administration and accountability
-Networking with the body of Christ
-Stewardship and generosity
Scripture and prayer is woven all throughout all levels.The centrality of the Bible and prayer in all of these characterisitics.
Result: Harvest (with courage and authority)
We can expect persecution and opposition in the midst of ministry to the lost so,
-learn to depend on his protection
-learn to depend on HIS power through prayer (No prayer=no power)
-depend on God in new ways daily
Saturday, June 8, 2013
War methods
Listening to the rain pour down from our hotel in France has me reflecting about how faithful God is to his children and how much I need to keep things in prespective.
Andy and I have had a long and difficult several months and I have often felt the desire to just give up officership. I know I am called to this ministry but I'm tired physically and spiritually. No need for me to discuss it further because my friends who will read this are either in the same place or have been there recently. It is vulnerable to write it but many of you have felt the same thing. If you are dong your job this is hard soul work and you know it.
No pity or details are needed. Just prayer warriors needed to pray for our corps people.
I need to remember my first love.
During this vacation I read several books and one was a biography by Eric Metaxas about Bonhoeffer. In the book he quotes Hitler saying that you can't win war with Salvation Army methods.
This led me to think about Salvation Army war methods. We are most certainly in a war where we are either watching or ignoring people going to hell everyday. What do we do about it?
We program and run ourselves into the ground for 'the sake of the salvation war.' But what are we doing? How is success measured and who gets to measure it?
For me success is knowing that I have an all encompassing, actively engaging realtionship with my savior and that he is leading me in my time management, heart breaking decisions, in my child rearing, and everything else. It is taking time to be holy and remembering my first love.
Our corps is engaged in some heavy spiritual warfare and we have felt ill equipped to handle it. Go ahead, judge me and my spiritual walk but it's not like there is a class at training school called "what to do when the demonized and oppressed start manifesting in the middle of a holiness meeting," etc.
I have asked several godly people for advice and have turned to the scriptures and we will continue to work through it as it is happening with different people (even our corps children!) quite frequently as of late.
I got so desperate at one point that I called DHQ and asked them what to do (yes, you can laugh!!).
So we need this retreat far away from home to enjoy each other and our savior. I am remembering my first love.
Recently a friend told me that it is as if I am a warrior rushing into to spiritual battle but I am not ready. I need to retreat, strategize and then continue on. The conviction that came from that revelation is now dear to me.
You can't win war with Salvation Army methods?
If the methods of our army are that my stats will be down, then no, you can't win a war that way or self- perpetuate our organization.
If the methods of this war are bathed in prayer, scripture, holiness, and spirit-guided living-- well then, yes, you can win and scripture tells us we already have the victory.
Hallelujah!
Andy and I have had a long and difficult several months and I have often felt the desire to just give up officership. I know I am called to this ministry but I'm tired physically and spiritually. No need for me to discuss it further because my friends who will read this are either in the same place or have been there recently. It is vulnerable to write it but many of you have felt the same thing. If you are dong your job this is hard soul work and you know it.
No pity or details are needed. Just prayer warriors needed to pray for our corps people.
I need to remember my first love.
During this vacation I read several books and one was a biography by Eric Metaxas about Bonhoeffer. In the book he quotes Hitler saying that you can't win war with Salvation Army methods.
This led me to think about Salvation Army war methods. We are most certainly in a war where we are either watching or ignoring people going to hell everyday. What do we do about it?
We program and run ourselves into the ground for 'the sake of the salvation war.' But what are we doing? How is success measured and who gets to measure it?
For me success is knowing that I have an all encompassing, actively engaging realtionship with my savior and that he is leading me in my time management, heart breaking decisions, in my child rearing, and everything else. It is taking time to be holy and remembering my first love.
Our corps is engaged in some heavy spiritual warfare and we have felt ill equipped to handle it. Go ahead, judge me and my spiritual walk but it's not like there is a class at training school called "what to do when the demonized and oppressed start manifesting in the middle of a holiness meeting," etc.
I have asked several godly people for advice and have turned to the scriptures and we will continue to work through it as it is happening with different people (even our corps children!) quite frequently as of late.
I got so desperate at one point that I called DHQ and asked them what to do (yes, you can laugh!!).
So we need this retreat far away from home to enjoy each other and our savior. I am remembering my first love.
Recently a friend told me that it is as if I am a warrior rushing into to spiritual battle but I am not ready. I need to retreat, strategize and then continue on. The conviction that came from that revelation is now dear to me.
You can't win war with Salvation Army methods?
If the methods of our army are that my stats will be down, then no, you can't win a war that way or self- perpetuate our organization.
If the methods of this war are bathed in prayer, scripture, holiness, and spirit-guided living-- well then, yes, you can win and scripture tells us we already have the victory.
Hallelujah!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Cabbage Patch Reminders
Today I opened a box of donations and among vintage Raggedy Ann dolls and beautifully made handmade doll clothes were a couple of Cabbage Patch dolls.
The real ones circa 1983ish. I snatched all of them up, gave them a big heartfelt hug, screeched a little and sat on the floor in the clothes sorting room in tears for a minute.
Pathetic, yes.
I've held a cabbage patch doll here and there during my time in the Atlanta ARC but today it was different and special for some odd reason.
Before I was born my mom got a coveted cabbage patch doll for me. Something that she really could not afford but made the sacrifice for me to have one.
I grew up as a little girl collecting them. Through living in a homeless shelter, government housing, and eventually our own independent apartment they survived all of the moves. One move I didn't have any shoes except the ones on my feet and only a few sets of clothes, but I had my dolls. They were precious to me and I took care of them. Otherwise a tomboy and never having any interest in any other dolls, they were special.
Two days before my eleventh birthday (a Sunday that I skipped church and vowed I would NEVER do that again) our house caught on fire and the dolls were ruined from the pressure of the fire hose.
My dad bought me a doll after that but it wasn't the same. I grew up not collecting anything after that, and still don't to this day.
Until today. My sad childhood does have a few happy memories. Those dolls were one of them. The LORD saw me through my childhood and will see me through this triviality that is attacking me.
All of this hard, stressful work, and just mere exhaustion came to the surface for a quick second. I am tired and I want to quit. I need a break.
Seeing and hugging those dolls allowed me to release something and reclaim a part of who I am.
I don't know how to explain it but it was refreshing.
Just as the LORD took care of me as a little girl he is still taking care of, and will continue to, take care of me. He hugs and loves me with full abandonment the way I did with those dolls today.
The dolls are for sale in our Family Store. I don't need them--just the reminder.
Thanks, Abba.
The real ones circa 1983ish. I snatched all of them up, gave them a big heartfelt hug, screeched a little and sat on the floor in the clothes sorting room in tears for a minute.
Pathetic, yes.
I've held a cabbage patch doll here and there during my time in the Atlanta ARC but today it was different and special for some odd reason.
Before I was born my mom got a coveted cabbage patch doll for me. Something that she really could not afford but made the sacrifice for me to have one.
I grew up as a little girl collecting them. Through living in a homeless shelter, government housing, and eventually our own independent apartment they survived all of the moves. One move I didn't have any shoes except the ones on my feet and only a few sets of clothes, but I had my dolls. They were precious to me and I took care of them. Otherwise a tomboy and never having any interest in any other dolls, they were special.
Two days before my eleventh birthday (a Sunday that I skipped church and vowed I would NEVER do that again) our house caught on fire and the dolls were ruined from the pressure of the fire hose.
My dad bought me a doll after that but it wasn't the same. I grew up not collecting anything after that, and still don't to this day.
Until today. My sad childhood does have a few happy memories. Those dolls were one of them. The LORD saw me through my childhood and will see me through this triviality that is attacking me.
All of this hard, stressful work, and just mere exhaustion came to the surface for a quick second. I am tired and I want to quit. I need a break.
Seeing and hugging those dolls allowed me to release something and reclaim a part of who I am.
I don't know how to explain it but it was refreshing.
Just as the LORD took care of me as a little girl he is still taking care of, and will continue to, take care of me. He hugs and loves me with full abandonment the way I did with those dolls today.
The dolls are for sale in our Family Store. I don't need them--just the reminder.
Thanks, Abba.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Minimalist Lifestyle
A Minimalist’s Train of Thought
Less money spent means more money saved
More money saved means the longer you can live in financial peace and security
Financial peace and security comes from owning less
Less stuff owned means less to carry around, move or have to travel with
Less responsibility for your stuff also means less maintenance and more time
The more time you have, the more relaxed you will feel
The more relaxed you are, the less you will care about stuff
If you care less about stuff, it means you’ll care less about image
If you care less about image, you will care more about experiences and memories
If you care more about experiences and memories, you will be happier with less
If you are happier with less, you’ll never want or need for more
The less you want or need for more, the more you will feel free
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Image
So while on "vacation" last week in my hometown of Philadelphia Andy and I watched a TED video by supermodel Cameron Russell. Her talk about image has really stuck with me as I struggle with my own image.
Overall I'm quite confident but as I continue to struggle with my weight gain I feel unsatisfied and unsure of myself. I suffer from hypothyroidism but I also suffer from "food is my comfort and friend"itis.
These are a few of Cameron's quotes:
"Image is powerful, but image is superficial."
"Being fearless means being honest."
"Beauty is not defined as health, but as tall, slender, feminine figures."
And so as a gorgeous, successful and young model I hear her say these things. I'm excited that she is intelligent and has some perceived depth to her but what about my image?
Sometimes I feel selfish just thinking about it. Andy tells me everyday that I'm beautiful but I don't feel beautiful.
I'm a perfectionist and I feel like I'm failing myself or something. I don't know. I'm just not content and I feel like I don't measure up to my own expectations--the image that I want others to have of me.
On the one hand I know that I shouldn't care, but I do. I don't want to and some days I don't, but overall I do.
My whole life I have felt like I never fit in or belong. It's still true. I want the image instead of belonging and of fitting in. For me, that means being secure in how I look and I'm not.
"Being fearless means being honest" as Cameron says but it's so vulnerable...
Overall I'm quite confident but as I continue to struggle with my weight gain I feel unsatisfied and unsure of myself. I suffer from hypothyroidism but I also suffer from "food is my comfort and friend"itis.
These are a few of Cameron's quotes:
"Image is powerful, but image is superficial."
"Being fearless means being honest."
"Beauty is not defined as health, but as tall, slender, feminine figures."
And so as a gorgeous, successful and young model I hear her say these things. I'm excited that she is intelligent and has some perceived depth to her but what about my image?
Sometimes I feel selfish just thinking about it. Andy tells me everyday that I'm beautiful but I don't feel beautiful.
I'm a perfectionist and I feel like I'm failing myself or something. I don't know. I'm just not content and I feel like I don't measure up to my own expectations--the image that I want others to have of me.
On the one hand I know that I shouldn't care, but I do. I don't want to and some days I don't, but overall I do.
My whole life I have felt like I never fit in or belong. It's still true. I want the image instead of belonging and of fitting in. For me, that means being secure in how I look and I'm not.
"Being fearless means being honest" as Cameron says but it's so vulnerable...
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Priorities
Over the years I've written on this blog that I need a right relationship with God and with myself. Being healthy is part of that for me and striking the right balance is a challenging thing for anyone I suppose, but especially for me.
I've adjusted my priorities and I'm getting some push back.
I work with a lot of needy people and at times it feels as if everyone in my life is needy. Elijah needs me. Andy needs me. The corps people need me. The youth need me. The employees need me. The problems and issues that need to be solved need me. The dog needs me. The housework needs me. The cooking needs me....and on and on it goes.
Many of these people (I call them "takers") believe they have the right to monopolize my time and my life. Too often I believe we in the Army allow people to do that to us. There is poor separation between our personal lives and the work of the Army. For some people that may work but I'm learning that I need my space for my health and for the well being of our family.
After some reflecting and a bit of a mental retreat from the things that drain my energy I have figured out what I NEED and am trying to live in balance with that.
I need time with my LORD. I need to tell others about Him.
I need time with Elijah and Andy that is NOT work related.
I need time to be healthy. To be in my home, to cook, to read and to exercise.
I need time to invest in others not because they simply need me but because it is simply satisfying to my soul.
If you figure out how you spend your time you can see what it is that you truly value. I am attempting to adjust my time so that what I truly care about is reflected by the time I spend.
Right now it's opening a Family Store...ugh...
Make no mistake--I'm still a workaholic and am figuring this all out but realizing that Bible Study has to happen every night for me as does quality time with Elijah and Andy. Exercise, whether at 5am or 9pm, is something that I need to do. I need time to take mental retreats from the pressure that presses against me from every angle, a lot of it self-inflicted. Thank you, Pinterest, for that. :)
"Come to me, all you who are weary, and I will give you rest..."
I've adjusted my priorities and I'm getting some push back.
I work with a lot of needy people and at times it feels as if everyone in my life is needy. Elijah needs me. Andy needs me. The corps people need me. The youth need me. The employees need me. The problems and issues that need to be solved need me. The dog needs me. The housework needs me. The cooking needs me....and on and on it goes.
Many of these people (I call them "takers") believe they have the right to monopolize my time and my life. Too often I believe we in the Army allow people to do that to us. There is poor separation between our personal lives and the work of the Army. For some people that may work but I'm learning that I need my space for my health and for the well being of our family.
After some reflecting and a bit of a mental retreat from the things that drain my energy I have figured out what I NEED and am trying to live in balance with that.
I need time with my LORD. I need to tell others about Him.
I need time with Elijah and Andy that is NOT work related.
I need time to be healthy. To be in my home, to cook, to read and to exercise.
I need time to invest in others not because they simply need me but because it is simply satisfying to my soul.
If you figure out how you spend your time you can see what it is that you truly value. I am attempting to adjust my time so that what I truly care about is reflected by the time I spend.
Right now it's opening a Family Store...ugh...
Make no mistake--I'm still a workaholic and am figuring this all out but realizing that Bible Study has to happen every night for me as does quality time with Elijah and Andy. Exercise, whether at 5am or 9pm, is something that I need to do. I need time to take mental retreats from the pressure that presses against me from every angle, a lot of it self-inflicted. Thank you, Pinterest, for that. :)
"Come to me, all you who are weary, and I will give you rest..."
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