Bittersweet/"My covenant"

Who blogs anymore?

I think it is slightly depressing that this began as an experiment in 2007 and here we are about to start 2016 and this still exists and people still read it. At the same time, it is also exciting. I committed to a group of friends to do this so that they could keep track of my journey through officership. I have kept that commitment.

Through seasons I have used this to chart different things in my life in my walk with God, in my personal wellness, and in the comings and goings of life.

2015 has been a bittersweet year. Sadly, probably more bitter than sweet. There was disappointment on several different fronts. There was shock. There was sadness.

And there was a new baby brought into our lives. Our youngest. Had he been born first, he would be our only child... It took eight months to figure out that the poor kid is allergic to eggs and is a HOMEBODY. Benjamin doesn't like to sleep anywhere except his crib which can, at times, be quite frustrating as it parks me at home a lot, but has also been a blessing. I need to be at home. This season in my life will never come again. I am learning to embrace it and enjoy the quietness that comes when Benjamin is napping and the dishwasher is humming away. Thankfully most of my work can be done via laptop and I have found that setting up office at our kitchen table is much more productive than the distractions of being an extrovert in the office.

A professor friend of mine here in town, whom I admire and consider to be wise and balanced, told me several months ago that she never makes resolutions for what she is going to add or do in the new year. Instead, she spends time reflecting and generates a list of what she is going to cut out each year. I've seen some people do this and give up things like "complaining" (which--being quite transparent and vulnerable--I probably could NOT do--ha!) and "people pleasing." Hers is different. She makes a list of 5-7 physical, practical things that she is going to give up and then she does it. Every year. She's done it for about ten years and says that she enjoys life so much now because she has a lot more control over her time and what she's doing (she's an extremely busy lady professionally). For example, she decided a few years ago that she doesn't like cleaning her house. So she put that on her "Do not do" list and hired someone to do it. While I don't have that luxury, she does and doesn't regret it. Now she can spend time leisurely reading where she once was cleaning her house.

So I've been reflecting for the past several weeks over this past year and over what I picture 2016 to look like. I know it is going to be a better year as I can sense in my Spirit that God is moving in my heart and has been pushing me to rely on Him more and not my own grit. God is in control. He has already written the pages for this year. I just want to be a part of His story. I have no "do not do" list. What I do have, I reflect upon here and challenge those of you who have made the same covenant to make it real for 2016:

MY COVENANT CALLED BY GOD to proclaim the Gospel of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ as an officer of The Salvation Army I BIND MYSELF TO HIM IN THIS SOLEMN COVENANT
	to love and serve him supremely all my days, to live to win souls and make their salvation the first purpose of my life, to care for the poor, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, love the unlovable, and befriend those who have no friends, to maintain the doctrines and principles of The Salvation Army, and, by God's grace to prove myself a worthy officer.

In God's grace, it can be done. Happy New Year.

Release for peace

A dear friend of mine was "promoted to glory" and I have the privilege of conducting her service today.

I find that I am tired of death. Of sadness.

A very pregnant me in the end of March sat and held the hand of a soldier dying slowly over a painfully long week for his family. For months we knew this was coming but when it did it felt so slow for all of us. All were waiting for release--for peace.

When he did pass I sat with him alone in his room looking at him knowing that just his body was there and that his soul had already gone on to be with the LORD. I read scripture over him and prayed with his family and stood guard in the room alone with the person tasked with taking his body. I watched as he prepared to cover him up and take him on his way. As the body left I dropped back to stand and watch with the family eventually shuffling them away from the sight as we hugged and prayed some more. We were all waiting for release--for peace.

A few weeks later my phone rang early in the morning alerting me to the fact that my 56 year old mom was unexpectedly on a respirator (which she did not want!) and sorting through the next few days was difficult. I watched her take her last breath via facetime with a dear friend as my contractions to have baby Benjamin were already in full force. The entire time all of us felt like we were just holding our breath. Those hours we were waiting for release--for peace.

Benjamin was finally born a couple days later and the joy of finally having him born was mixed with so much raw emotion. In fact, I only stayed in the hospital one night because I could not handle being there as the emotions of losing my mom were too fresh. The wound too ripe. The joy of our new baby was being robbed from me. The midwife understood and the doctor released me, thankfully. Such a bittersweet time for me!

We came home to Andy's mom loving on us, but it was too short. She had to leave and return back to her life and it was like a wound ripped wide open in me that I did not even know was there! I love my mother-in-law so much that I don't think she will ever fully understand how much I appreciate her and how she loves my family.

I started to feel better.

And then our thrift store that we built from the ground up was completely destroyed in an awful storm. The roof ripped right off and with it--my heart. Someone on our staff said that he thought losing the store for me was like losing my firstborn child. As I reflected I realized there was some truth in that. Ouch.

In these situations and a few others there were times when I felt like there was no person to turn to. Of course, we have the LORD and I have a couple of good friends, but no one to hold me and let me cry. I needed a mom. I have learned who my true friends are and have learned again to rely on the LORD to hold me as I cry. I have learned that many on our staff are family to me and me to them and I love them dearly.

The funeral today is of a soldier who was such a committed prayer warrior for her family, for our corps and for me--a true friend. She told me things that I did not know about the spiritual life and, in her own special way, was a Godsend. I will miss combing her hair, helping her get dressed, fetching her cold tea, listening to old stories of the war and of life as a girl in England. I will miss our Friday afternoons spent in her small apartment as she was always ready to "go to battle" in her uniform. She was a dear, special lady and as I prepare for her memorial service today I now realize that I am rejoicing that a true friend has gone to be with Jesus.

No more death. No more sadness. Just release for peace.

Some Days

Some days...

Ministry is messy.

Some times in ministry people disappoint, things happen that burden you, and you can get discouraged.

Real ministry--the kind that gives you the privilege of seeing lives transform before your very eyes--is messy.

This has been one of those weeks.

We've had people we minister to relapse (again--another over dose), nearly lose their kids, hospitalized again, lose a job, etc.

Anyone who allows themselves to truly live life with their people understands what I'm talking about and feeling.

I have had friends in this same "profession" tell me from time to time that this isn't what they "signed up for."

And my response is then go and find something else to do with your life. People need the LORD and they need us to love them and lead them to Him. It isn't about you (me) so get over yourself and get to work. Yes, we can get discouraged at times but thankfully we are not the savior.

This specific ministry--a privilege--is a calling. God ordained. And certainly not for the faint of heart.

It gets messy.

When one guy doesn't show up in the shelter by curfew so staff start calling the hospital, jail, morgue a couple of days later...only to have them re-surface with a lame excuse and looking ten years older as the last trip to their past has caught up with them for the moment...Grace.

As a loved one has another drug overdose but it "isn't their fault" again, and the same treatment is prescribed that hasn't worked the past few times... Grace.

As DHS comes to the house three times in one week and the cops have been there six times and everyone looks at each other not really knowing what to do because there are no easy answers or real solutions in the moment and I just stand there with them...Grace.

As a sweet little five year old tells me that she wishes I was her mommy because she doesn't have one and gets passed around from person to person to care for her as she has no stable emotional caretaker...Grace.

As a woman asks for a refund for her furniture because she didn't get approved for the apartment she thought she was going to get and is now facing homelessness until she finds something...Grace.

As an employee struggles with a very difficult personal situation and the pain and suffering in their eyes burns right through you, yet they show up and work hard every day without complaint...Grace.

As I tried to teach a Moonbeam class on the Bible tonight I ended up holding a child on my lap as they cried into my shoulders for thirty minutes starting to realize that life isn't fair.. and that how can God love them if their own parents don't want them? ...Grace.

We all have our own stories and the details do not matter but the people matter to God and should be brought before the Father who knows it all, and who tells us to love and lead anyway.

Ministry is messy.

Go get your hands dirty.

Acts 20:24;

²⁴ However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.

A young woman

We were sitting around the tables in the fellowship hall at the corps having a hurried kettle Christmas dinner (but at least we were eating together!)...

A loud bang on the glass doors by the chapel entrance next to us.

A young lady stood there in tears with her large, but very nice, suitcase on the curb next to her. The effects of heavy meth use were already altering her appearance as her eyes were beginning to sink in, scabs were all over her arms, and her teeth were beginning to space out and rot. She  was a beautiful woman despite all of this.

I crack open the door and ask her what she needs:

"I'm homeless and I don't know what to do!" "Okay." "Can I stay here? I've never been homeless before..." "Our shelter entrance is in the other parking lot here but we do not house single women without children--just families and single men. We can call Way of Hope women's shelter for you..."

Long story short this began a discussion that included several of our employees, people and agencies in town to try and get this woman some help (after most of them were closed for evening of course). Our shelter monitor, Bruce, handled her with love and respect even as her story changed five times and drama associated with it ensued.

In the long run a church put her up in a motel for the evening not knowing what would happen to her the next day.

My three interactions with her that night haunted me the whole evening. I felt convicted.

Why?

Because she needed help and not only could we not give her what she needed, what she needs does not exist here in our county. We do not have any extensive drug treatment facilities. We have some half way houses for men, but nothing for women. Not even the Army touches that in our rehabilitation centers that we send others to in Memphis and Atlanta.

Why?

She got a place to stay for the night from a well meaning church, but what about the next day?

Why?

What will happen to her and others just like her? Our jail is FILLED with people who have meth addictions. We lock them up rather than tackle the drug problem (FYI--she was already locked up and recently released which excludes her from staying at the homeless homeless women's shelter in town).

Why?

Because initially when I thought of her and her situation I came up with excuses of why she couldn't stay in our shelter. We don't house single women. She can't pass a drug test. We aren't equipped to handle her needs. She just got out of jail (even the police wouldn't come get her!) for a "not nice charge" and would jeopardize the safety of our shelter community--particularly those of our young babies. In other words = DRAMA.

But, she needs help. She needs love. She needs the LORD and she needs the Army. Shouldn't she come running to us in her time of need? Aren't we the place people come to when everyone else in their life walks out--whether they are deserving or not?

Some of my comrades wonder why there aren't people beating down their doors like in the early days of the Army...but then again we aren't necessarily in the streets trying to find people to bring to us either. Perhaps we are justified in our 150 years of service to our communities across the world, or have lost the sense that "ministry is messy" for the need to protect the larger organization, etc, etc. BUT people still need the LORD and we have a responsibility to be obedient to our calling and to love, serve, and tell them. For this we will be held accountable.

When does our list of excuses preclude us from proclaiming the Gospel? It doesn't and never will. We have a duty. Forgive me, O LORD!

We invest so much of ourselves into the "work of the ministry" but how much of ourselves is invested in actual ministry (discipleship, evangelism, Holy Ghost old school Army stuff)?

Please pause for a moment and pray for this beautiful woman, created in God's image, and so many more like her that they would find hope, healing, and true everlasting love.


I'm still grappling with this in my soul, but this is the passage the LORD continues to bring me to:

Luke 15:4-7:

 ⁴ “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? ⁵ And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders ⁶ and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ ⁷ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.