Distrust in the character of God

 I have been reflecting a lot on my own shortcomings as a person. Andy has mentioned for me several times how my 'character' is bad and it has me reflecting on what character truly is. 

The quality of our character is found in times of difficulty, I believe. Character is who you are when no one is watching.

We tend to care so much about what people think and about appearances. We value, to some degree, fakeness. That is not who I am. I believe I am generally and open and transparent person. I have some character flaws, but I have integrity and good morals. 

In the Army we have 'character' building programs. An interesting name for the youth programs. I grew up through all of those character building programs. I think it helped to make me a better person.

In thinking about character I come a lot to honesty. Andy thinks I am a dishonest person and I do not know why. I have been honest with him about many things. He has created a narrative that is different from my experience of us together and cannot allow me to discuss the discrepancies with the narrative he has re-constructed. He thinks I need to defend myself or something. I am defenseless. There is nothing left for me to lose with him at this point as our marriage is ending, but he cannot accept my being honest with him. I do not know why and I will probably never have answers. He is closed off to any kind of connection from me. I think he is trying to survive in his own way and does not see how incredibly wounded we both are.

In some notes that I have I found this phrase: 'sin begins with the distrust of the CHARACTER of God.' This leads to unbelief and withdraw (fear, protect, escape, hide), ungodliness and then wickedness (not trusting His goodness). Lack of trust is what kept the Israelites out of the Promised Land.

Disobedience, then, is the secondary behavioral result. 

Trust= obedience

Distrust= disobedience

As I ponder this and the sin in my own life, I believe it began with the distrust of the character of God. But how? Why? Too many distractions, too little faith....lack of a community of support of believers? Issues with my character?

And now I am left with the broken pieces of sin. Sin always causes chaos. I am living in this pain as a result of sin in our marriage--on both parts. I believe we got to this point together. The character of our marriage was flawed only we did not know it.

I had a vision where I was holding a coffee mug and trying to keep it from falling out of my hand. Andy was watching me but did not care enough to help. The mug finally fell and broke into several little pieces. I was on my hands and knees trying to clean it up as Andy looked down at me on the floor. I looked up at him and he stepped on my hand and on the glass.

Today I trust in God and in His character. God's character is a vast topic and I am going to reflect on it more. 

 

2020 in review

  Oh, 2020. If I could have predicted what you would mean for me in my life I think I would have skipped you. Ha. 

The truth is, this year was necessary for me. Extremely painful in so many ways, but necessary. And I have hope for the future. It will look drastically different than what I thought at the beginning of the year, but let's just chalk that up to 2020.

I have become aware of sin in my life. In my many imperfections. In my honesty as a human being and in the fact that my marriage--to a man I deeply love--is regrettably coming to an end--a shocking end for me--while my husband says it has been a long time coming. I just did not know. Why?

Our covenant. We have both broken it in different ways. Our dreams and hopes for the future will look differently moving forward. My Andy....gone. Even on the most difficult days of loneliness and disengagement I have loved being his wife and have tried to love and serve him well and have never wanted to cause him any pain. I still do not want to cause him pain. I love him. Husbands--cherish your wives. They need you. Wives--communicate with your husbands in a way that both are uplifted and able to comprehend.

I had no idea this is what 2020 would have in store for me. For us. For my family. For the world. 

Shortly before Christmas last year, Andy told me that our marriage was loveless but loyal. Ouch. I did not feel the same way. So we eventually embarked upon counseling and looking introspectively at ourselves. He had been emotionally distant for a considerable amount of time and when I tried to discuss it he would brush me off. The timing just was never right to really have a deep conversation and so I tended to the boys, mainly alone,  and to the Army and carried on with life. I did not realize that we were both hurting so deeply inside. We had no space and privacy as a family living on a compound with other officers and clients and the distance between us grew. My loneliness grew and I felt like I was living in a cage at home and felt unsafe. So did Andy in his own way. 

I asked for pastoral counsel from our leadership and confided in a few, but every one of those relationships transitioned as Covid came and the entire leadership of our Command changed in a few months and friends went on sick leave...and we were...still there...alone and struggling. So I confided in a family in Italy and my Italian 'mamma.' They became my greatest champions and still are today. They know me and love me anyway. They are a gift. 

My husband left me and did so dramatically making a unilateral decision with The Salvation Army in mid-August. He told me in a meeting with our Command Leader in his office and, less than two weeks later, I was forced to uproot life and move 5,000 miles to a city where I am extremely isolated and alone. Loss of identity in so many ways. Loss of my husband. Loss of a ministry I felt fulfilled in. Loss of relationships. Loss of love and support. And, one of the worst pains for me, the loss of my in-laws whom I love and miss so deeply words cannot express. 

Lots of pain, heartbreak and trauma abounds. Andy was...is...gone. So are his parents. I grieve that so much and will for a long time. My love. My sweetheart. 

No one should feel sorry for me and I am not asking that. In fact, no one reads this anyway, but I need to process some of my trauma and some of what the Lord is revealing to me.

The only thing guaranteed in life besides death is the steadfast love of the Lord. This year has taught me that I am a person, not property, and am worthy of love. God's love for me is faithful and true. In searching the scripture these few months in isolation in Atlanta I am convinced of this more so now than ever before. God is faithful. He is my refuge. My savior. 

I am convinced of my calling to the mission of the Army as an overseas officer, more now than ever. But it will look differently moving forward. I am processing what that looks like and am trusting God to be faithful. My faith is strong and this priority of perspective has been re-aligned for me. I pray for its leaders and the burden of responsibility they carry to make decisions as they are often overworked and exhausted. I pray for the future of the Army and realize that it does not need me nor I it. All will survive.

This year has also revealed to me how I disassociate from pain and deny the reality of things. In fact, I did not realize this until a group of men showed up to our home in Rome to pack it and I could not stay in the house for more than five minutes. I had to run away and did so to my office where I worked. That was not healthy. I was trying to survive and did so the only way I knew how in that moment--with my uniform on working for the mission and believing that was the right decision. Meanwhile my husband was directing our house to be packed and prepared to go to two separate homes across the ocean.

My commitment to my children is a priority. It always has been as I know I am a good mother, but my personal needs and desires come second to theirs. Andy wanted to take the boys to the US without me. Part of me died inside when he told me this and when our Colonel recorded this in his notes for the meeting when Andy told me he was leaving me and returning to the US. That pain, and a few situations that followed, have left open wounds in my soul that I am struggling reconcile and am prayerful that, with time and wise counsel, will begin to heal. I wanted to remain in Italy as a family of four and work on issues. That was not an option for me as decisions were made on my and the children's behalf without my input. 

Family is important and should not be neglected. I love my family. I grieve that I am a 12 hour car ride from them during a worldwide pandemic and long for human touch and an adult hug from someone who loves me. It has not happened in Atlanta, regrettably.

I have learned that there are many superficial relationships in Christian ministry and I do not think this was God's intention. I have realized that many do not have the emotional or spiritual band-with to help carry the load of some heavy things. I have asked for spiritual help from those I trust spiritually and people have not been able to provide it for the most part. This has been extremely disappointing to me. Pastoral care for our wounded needs to be a priority. 

There have been a few times in my life when I have felt a strong connection to God. These times have usually been in contemplative prayer, reading scripture, or with performing music. These are the times when I have received direction from God and have obeyed and it has not always been easy. Striving for a life of holiness while journeying with God is not easy. It is not always fun and it doesn't not always smell sweet. Sometimes it stinks. Badly. But we grow, learn, digest, re-plant, cultivate and move on. We do this with or without distraction. I am learning that the 'doing' for God became a distraction for me that was not holy.

In a prayer night vigil in our chapel in Rome on the last Friday of May I had an intimate time with God and felt him revealing some things to me that were earth shattering. He revealed that I needed to be willing to sacrifice my marriage. What? How does that line up with scripture? It did not make sense. And so I processed that for the next couple of months thinking I was crazy and mis-hearing from God.

I was also processing how devalued I have felt as a married woman officer, particularly in the heavily male dominated structure in Italy and how unjust this was for other women officers and how, it too, was impacting my marriage in a negative way. Andy is not the enemy--just a son of the regiment and a by-product of its system.

The night before I was called to a meeting in our Command Leaders office when they told me Andy was leaving me and all of this was happening, I spent time on our roof pouring my heart out to God as I attempted to sing and worship through my many tears. Andy was out of the house and I was alone on the roof under the stars and had what became a beautiful evening. I received confirmation that everything would be okay and was reminded of some of the promises of scripture. I slept peacefully that evening.

The next day would change the course of my life forever. I am thankful for that evening under the stars on our roof in Rome. This is the same roof where we had our weekly marital counseling sessions over Zoom for the Covid lockdown months.

When I look at the trajectory of my life I see that God exists and that He is faithful. He has everything under control. My old Sunday School teacher reminded me recently that 'we are the dumb ones who do not know the plan' (thank you, Viejo). My ailing grandfather reminded me that life is silly.

My best friend reminds me daily that I am worthy of love and that I do not need to feel guilty about being my own person. God created me and while He is deeply refining me, He has created me to be a loving person. And that person is beautiful.

The pain of my soul is deep. My older brother reminds me to keep things in perspective. My sister reminds me that we should spoil ourselves every now and again. My brother Luke protects me with vigor. Other friendships of the past--which I have regrettably neglected for the last 13 years--have reminded me that there are people who love and care for me, even if they live far away. A retiring officer recounted for me her divorce experience when her children were young and how she left her officership for fifteen years, but that God is faithful in the end. A married woman officer has recounted to me her dissatisfaction in her marriage and her fear to speak up about it as she hides from the world on attempting to keep it all together....and I know that I am not alone. 

I am wounded, but not dead. Hope is on the horizon. And I am looking forward to 2021. 

Reflections

 Today our cadets are signing their covenants. This very special, holy day for them has me reflecting over the past eleven years and the journey it has been. I remember how sacred and special our covenant day was in New York, and part of me grieves that our cadets, while their experience today is special, has not been given the same thought, care, effort, and intention.

Sometimes I get it right.

Many times I get it wrong. Really wrong.

Right now I am struggling--perhaps more than I ever have--but I am not giving up hope that the God who sees me loves me. This I hold onto. Covenant. And I am very thankful.

I know God is real and He is active. I know He is revealing in me things about myself that are not surrendered and that are painful. I have some inner work to do.

Holiness is a choice. It is a choice one must choose every day as they journey on in relationship with God. When we neglect our own personal spiritual care, for whatever reason (I am great at justifying my lack of discipline), Satan can take root in our hearts. He knows are weaknesses and always goes for the jugular. What a creep.

Today I prayed for and encouraged the cadets with a verse from Galatians 2:20: "Sono stato crocifisso cone Cristo: non sono più io che vivo, ma Cristo vive in me! La vita che viva ora nella carne, la vivo nella fede nel Figlio di Dio il quale mi ha amato e ha dato se stesso per me."

May this be true in my life today and every day. A choice. Daily.

"Benjamin's transformers and also real screens"

(Benjamin is dictating a blog entry to me, as he cannot be outdone by his brother, www.elijahseilerblog.blogspot.com. P.S. Having decent internet after a couple of months is really nice :) )

"Screens can hurt your head if you watch them too much. Transformers can transform into modes. Ultimate transformers are my favorite because there are all different kinds. Thank you for reading my blog."

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We are currently sitting out on our terrace where I believe the summer heat has broken (high for today is 86F). We are very much looking forward to fall for several reasons--routine, SCHOOL and cooler weather. The boys begin school on September 16th. The corps schedule is chopped up throughout the week with several activities in the later evenings, which keeps me from putting the boys to bed. Andy's office schedule is the same every day. We are adjusting to two our different appointments with different roles. This is the first time we are not working "together" and it feels weird, but we believe God-ordained.

Overall, we are doing well. Some days are discouraging (like yesterday when I got ripped off at the market and didn't have enough language to fix the situation as I also had a four year old having a tantrum after being taunted by his older brother), but then God encourages me in a myriad of ways.

One of my favorite memories so far is from earlier this week when I did a very American thing: cleaned the outside of the chapel bulletin board while blasting Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir. The boys played in the chapel and Benjamin danced on the street in his blue Power Ranger costume which attracted attention and kind conversation.

We had Banco Alimentare (food pantry) earlier this week and I got to help take groceries to a shut-in in the neighborhood. I loved being in her home and chatting with her for a few minutes.

Families on the playground in our neighborhood are beginning to notice us when we come to play. Earlier this week I had an excellent pastoral visit and prayer with a corps member while the boys played independently for about an hour on the playground. The playground may end up being my office since I do not have a designated one (which I kind of like--our role isn't to sit behind desks as corps officers, anyway).

People are beginning to recognize the lady in the uniform always with the two boys trailing behind or running in front.

Life is beginning to unfold and "transform."

On ten years as a Salvation Army officer

Ten years ago on 14 June 2009 I was commissioned as a Lieutenant in The Salvation Army and ordained as a minister of the Gospel in New York in front of family, friends, and comrades.

Called by God and compelled by the Holy Spirit to make a radical commitment to serving humanity in love.

Striving for holiness.

Ten years.

Six appointments.

A marriage. With two children.

Countless trials but boundless joys.

Many mistakes.

Maturing.

Journeying through life with beautiful people.

Tears shed.

Victories won.

Active relationship with Jesus.

Learning, growing, pursuing the Holy Spirit's presence in my life. Every day.


I get to wake up every day and do what I love. This is who God made me to be. I'm grateful. I'm a Salvation Army officer.

#onwemarch

From refugee to refuge

Someone has said that the Bible calls for compassion, salvation and equality. Due to our own closely held worldview we may be tempted to misinterpret scripture to assuage our own guilt and fear--or justify our actions-- which can lack compassion, the gift of salvation or encourage division and breed inequality.

Refugees are one of those issues for the world right now. Refugees exist throughout the pages of the Bible. I think firstly of Abraham and then the subsequent others who come along after him--Hagar, Jacob's sons, Moses, the Israelites...Jesus.

Matthew 25:34-30 talks about how we should treat refugees.

Personally, I strive to live out this scripture and have committed my life and literal vocation to doing just that but I know at times I fall short. I don't want to be apathetic to anything that is close to the heart of God and have no interest in being detached from the struggle, pain and suffering that many of our fellow humans live. In other words, I don't want to be another cog in the machine and a part of the problem. I believe in a God who is the solution and want to be a bringer of that news of everlasting hope.

But being comfortable is so nice--especially as a "righteous" person. We do a lot of good--the "most good." And it can be complacent every now and again.

And this is where I--perhaps we--go wrong. We cannot be truly "comfortable" when the least of these is not. And they are not. Some here in our own streets in Roanoke, in our programs, and some around the world. LORD, I don't want to just be another do gooder. I want to live out what I fervently attempt to preach and teach.

The most interaction I have personally with international refugees is during Christmastime as our Angel Tree program provides new toys, coats and clothes. I am always humbled by the resiliency and fervor for life these warriors possess.

Spending a couple of weeks in Europe allowed me to see this international refugee crisis issue up close and personal and it was convicting, awkward and uncomfortable. We saw firsthand the struggle and the pain for some refugees.

In a remote part of Italy we learned how refugees are cared for and attempt to integrate into the community.

In another city we were stuck on an overly crowded bus where a verbal altercation turned physical altercation broke out between a refugee and an Italian man. The tension was more than palpable as the overly crowded bus of co-conspirators were bystanders and participants as the situation rolled on off the bus. I prayed for compassion in those moments and my heart felt sick for the entire situation.

And then we saw it in another city. And another. And then we came home.

Here Andy and I were, on holiday as Americans, witnessing and experiencing things as we blended in like everyone else who does not see or chooses not to see what is around them and can do so based on unearned privilege. It felt shameful to me.

And then I turn left on the Elm Avenue exit from the interstate every day to see men panhandling and they are, in a way, refugees. Sometimes I make eye contact, which encourages an active attempt at solicitation when really all I want is to acknowledge their humanity and fulfill my desire for connection with their daily struggle from a safe distance. And then I say a quick pray for them as I hit the gas pedal, of course.

They have no sense of safety or belonging. Everyone feels better if we don't see them or have to interact with them. We-the people of God--ignore them. Sometimes we may try to help, and do help, but we are still in control of it. We still have safety and belonging and they do not.

I believe that striving for biblical justice calls us to be willing to risk our own sense of belonging and, at times, our safety. Imagine how different things would be if we asked the refugees in our sphere of influence what they felt they needed rather than what we think they need. What if we listened rather than spoke? Would our practice to the least of these be different? I'm a relationship person so I'd like to think there would be more time spent on building lasting relationships and less time on giving/doing stuff. You know, kind of like our relationship with Jesus.

What if we built a refuge with the refugees rather than brought a refuge to them? What if we lived out compassion, salvation, and equality to the least of these?

The holy discontent of an uncomfortable stomach bug

The beauty of entering into a beautiful home that has been freshly painted, while we've been basking in God's creation and studying God's Word this past week was only heightened as we all got to lay down and sleep peacefully in our comfortable, familiar beds. Ahhh...the simple things of a beautiful life. Thank you, LORD. I am grateful.

Andy and I prayed together before bed, as is our custom, that today would be a day of Spirit-filled worship with our corps people and that we would get to witness new people come to a salvation experience (which has been happening most Sundays and it is AWESOME). We prayed that the Spirit would come and sit heavily and make us all uncomfortable. I fell asleep so excited to worship with our corps people today and woke up that way, too.

And then Benjamin didn't wake up at his normal time. I thought he was just tired from the busyness of this past week and so I let him rest and did the rest of the morning routine. Andy left extra early today as being away from the office all week had him just wanting to get there. Elijah was dressed, fed and happily playing while waiting to leave for church.

When at the last possible minute Benjamin was still was not awake I went in to wake him and get him dressed. As I picked him up from his slumber (by the way, I am usually VERY strict about not waking sleeping babies!--but I really wanted to be at the corps in time to prayer walk our neighborhood!), he made a quiet moan and then vomited all over my uniform and himself. That rich bile color and smell... not what I was planning for this morning!

Naturally I became quite concerned as now the "Bible Conference bug" has made its way into our house through our most vulnerable member. Being quite candid, I'm disappointed that I will not be at the corps because I know God is going to do something good with our people and I want to be with them. Today is also the day of our monthly soldier's meeting which means I'll miss that and all of the covered dishes that go along with it. I really love our new corps people and value the time we have to live in community with them. I don't want to miss out! They bless me!

So here I sit. Thankful for personal time to worship and to listen. I'm reminded of Colonel Janet Munn's words this week at Bible Conference as she spoke about Luke 13 and the "disrupting faith" of the bent over woman whom Jesus healed on the Sabbath. Jesus challenged the oppressive status quo and made everyone uncomfortable. In my personal experience of the mighty moving of the Spirit, it can be uncomfortable. Rather than exist in the tension of the discomfort we oftentimes squelch the Spirit and move on with our formulaic worship wondering why we have the same results or no results. I think we do this in our personal time with God, too. Naturally we don't like feeling uncomfortable. We like routine and predictability but perhaps God has other things in store so that we totally depend on Him.

Colonel Munn asked of us, "what gets us bent out of shape and disrupts our faith?" While this question can go two ways, I suggest that the discomfort of a stomach bug has disrupted my faith this morning in a positive way. I will rejoice in it and use this time wisely as it is a special, unexpected gift outside of my Sunday morning norm. Thank you, LORD. Thank you for the holy discontent brought to my heart this morning from a stomach bug.

Sycamore

This house.

This is the house where our oldest son learned to walk, talk and feed himself. I remember one night we came home after a long car ride (from vacation, I believe) and he just ran up and down the same stretch of hallway for about an hour as he had recently discovered running. He also fell down the stairs in a superhero costume for the first time in this house.

He was potty trained in this house. Had his first nightmare in this house. Prayed for many people and welcomed many guests in this house--friends, family, people who were homeless.

This is house is where dear friends realized dreams come true and were able to adopt their baby and bring him to our home from the hospital for a few weeks.

This house is where we attempted a cook out with about 40 of Andy's closest officer friends (sessionmates).

This house is where many have been prayed for, cried with, feasted around the table and more.

This house is where a dear friend facetimed with me while I was having contractions with our youngest baby to watch my mommy take her last breath.

This house is where we brought our baby home to from the hospital--where he learned to crawl and speak his first words and express his personality.

This house is where an 18 year old girl was fostered, cared for and loved for a year. This house was there when she graduated high school and left for college.

This house was our home. It was good to us and we have tried to be good to it.

This house held our sorrows and our joys. The rockers on the porch participated in Elijah seeing sunrises, listening to rain storms, and listening to the birds sing.

This house was a refuge in times of deep trial.

This back yard was here countless hours of play was spent imagining, dreaming and having fun. This backyard even hosted a "castle," a "fishing boat," and a "water amusement park." This back yard hosted lots of cookouts with good company and my first ever garden attempt where we picked our vegetables together as a family and ate them.

This house was refuge for our teenagers--a safe place with legit wifi.

This house hosted strategic planning sessions for advancing the Army mission forward, prayer meetings, CEP meetings, discipleship classes and even DIY Home League nights.

This was a good home. I will miss it. I pray the family moving in loves it as much as we did and makes many happy memories here.

Thank you, 1323 Sycamore.

The "almost, not yet" time

"Do you know that there's a halfway world between each ending and each new beginning? It's called the hurting time, Jean Perdu. It's a bog; it's where your dreams and worries and forgotten plans gather. Your steps are heavier during that time. Don't underestimate the transition, Jeanno, between farewell and new departure. Give yourself the time you need. Some thresholds are too wide to be taken in one stride." -The Little Paris Bookshop by Nina George.

Leaving Murfreesboro, TN. A hard appointment that we have loved well. Heading to Roanoke, VA. A hard appointment that we will love well. Thank you to so many in this sweet community who have warred with us.
~~~~~

My Covenant
Called by God
to proclaim the Gospel of our LORD and Saviour Jesus Christ as an officer in The Salvation Army.

I bind myself to this solemn covenant

to love and serve Him supremely all of my days,

to live to win souls and make their salvation the first purpose of my life,

to care for the poor, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, love the unlovable, and befriend those who have no friends,

to maintain the doctrines and principles of The Salvation Army, and, by God's grace to prove myself a worthy officer.

Done in the strength of my LORD and Saviour, and in the presence of the Territorial Commander, training college officers and fellow cadets.

church vs. mission station

I had a well-renowned professor in my second seminary say to me about a year and a half ago that the Army we operate is a "mission station" and not a "church." This was in context in trying to explain what we do and the demographics of our unrefined, yet extremely lovable, congregation of 35 folks (on a good day). I explained in a class presentation some of the functions of the "church" side of the Army and how we operate, in a lot of ways, like a typical church. But then I got to explaining some of the pastoral duties that engulf our time that are not like a typical church. Things like: driving congregation members to doctor's appointments, making sure they are fed (often by cooking for them myself), visiting them in jail, going to court, making sure they are checking their sugar and taking their medication, helping to read legal documents about child support and custody, accompanying them to job interviews, meeting with guidance counselors, doing financial aid paperwork for them to get into college successfully, driving them to rehab, putting together a budget for them,helping them locate non-Army shelter (or letting them stay with us--shhhh.....don't tell on me!), meeting with mortgage lenders, etc, etc, etc. He told me that this goes beyond the call of duty of a pastor in a typical church. Instead, what we have going, is a mission station and are to be commended for it.

Thanks, I think?

Before that day I just thought what we were trying to do was live life with people and to disciple. You know, how I think Jesus modeled for us. To me, or so I thought, what the real Church should be. My mind got confused with the terminology but my heart was solid and peaceful. Mission station or church, we were doing God's work. And still are. At least I pray to that end every day.

So I started referring to non-Army people that we operate a sort of mission station. In our local context it feels like the church aspect of what we do is almost an afterthought as we have had trials and obstacles to sort through that most of our church people will never need to know about. As we pack up to move to another location I am hopeful that the officers following us will take the time to invest in what we have not been truly able to...in building the mission station? In building the church? See, now I'm confused...

But I think I was wrong in some ways by referring what we do as a mission station. There has been MUCH debate as to whether or not the Army is "the Church." Generals disagree as to whether or not the Army is a church. Many refer to it as a "movement of God" and other terms that are all great, but still have left me confused!

Who are we? Who Are These Salvationists was helpful to read ten years ago or so.

The International Theological Council responds... but in the praxis of ministry, who are we?

http://s3.amazonaws.com/cache.salvationarmy.org/a33bb181-9797-44a2-bf8b-529efb591649_The%20Church%20-%20TSA%20response.pdf

Cost of Discipleship: Revenge

The followers of Jesus live for His sake. They renounce every personal right.

"The only way to overcome evil is to let it run its course so that it does not find the resistance it is looking for. Resistance merely creates further evil and adds fuel to the flames. But when evil meets no opposition and encounters no obstacle but only patient endurance, its sting is drawn, and at last it meets an opponent which is more than its match. Of course this can only happen when the last ounce of resistance is abandoned, and the renunciation of revenge is complete. Then evil cannot find its mark, and it can breed no further evil, and is left barren."

By willing endurance we cause suffering to pass over our heads.

Suffering willingly endured is stronger than evil, stronger than the death of the evil person.

"There is no deed on earth so outrageous to justify a different attitude. The worse the evil, the readier must the Christian be to suffer; he must leave the evil person for Jesus to deal with, for that is no concern of his."

This is truth. I've experienced it. Thank you, LORD!

Cost of Discipleship: Truthfulness

The truth of every word a disciple utters must be above suspicion.

"The commandment of absolute truthfulness is really only another name for the fullness of discipleship."

It is only because we follow Jesus that we can be genuinely truthful, for then He reveals to us our sin upon the cross.

Truth towards Jesus also means truth towards man. Untruthfulness destroys fellowship, but truth cuts false fellowship to pieces and establishes genuine brotherhood.

Cost of Discipleship: Woman

To follow Jesus means self-renunciation and absolute adherence to Him, and therefore a will dominated by lust can never be allowed to do what it likes.

Lust is unpure because it is unbelief, and therefore it is to be shunned.

The gains of lust are trivial compared with the loss it brings--you forfeit your body eternally for momentary pleasure.

Marriage is consecrated to the service of love, which is possible only in a life of discipleship. Christianity sanctifies marriage. The law helps to uphold the purity of marriage.


Protect your marriage. It is a beautiful thing.

Cost of Discipleship: Brother

To be a disciple means to be completely innocent of anger.

"Anger is always an attack on the brother's life, for it refuses to let him live and aims at his destruction. Jesus will not accept the common distinction between righteous indignation and unjustifiable anger. The disciple must be entirely innocent of anger, because anger is an offense against both God and his neighbor."

The way of a disciple is self-denial. Every time we utter a word out of respect for our neighbor we place our life above his. The angry word is a blow--struck to destroy. Open insults are worse because we are disgracing our brother in the eyes of the world. This causes our hearts to burn with hatred. We are passing judgment on him and this is murder. There will be judgment for it.

He who says he loves God and hates his brother is a liar.

We need to be reconciled with our brother.

The way of self-denial is the way of the cross.

Ode to how we "poverty"

What is poverty?

We define it in terms of "stuff." People don't have "stuff" or access to "stuff." Even the Church defines it as "stuff" so we give "stuff" to the poor.

We think poverty is materialistic, so by giving people whatever material thing they need we can help fight poverty.

Besides being wrong and short-sighted it does not work. Many think they are truly fighting poverty, but they are maintaining it at best.

But, this is, after all, how we "poverty."

And, after all, scripture tells us that clearly "the poor will always be among us" which leaves us duty bound to do something. I mean, anything really. Just something. Even Jesus hung out with the poor people so I guess we should, too.

This is how we "poverty."

OR--if we are REALLY serious about poverty we may even take a mission exposure trip. You know, one of those trips that have good intentions, but are really just poverty tourism in another part of the world, or even worse, in our own community as a church group signs up to serve dinner in The Salvation Army homeless shelter once because, after all, that is doing something.  We poverty tourism in our own community.

This is how we "poverty."

OR--if we are REALLY, REALLY serious and good Christians we will financially support someone or something else that is povertying in some way. Then, we can say, we have paid our poverty indulgences to God and can live in a clear conscience. Oh, Luther and the Church and the sale of indulgences! Nothing is new under the sun. We can even pre-pay our povertying.

Now, not all who do this are trying to short-change their Christian duty and I want to acknowledge that. There are many, if not most perhaps, who even financially support or serve in organizations because they truly want to get involved and to serve out of devotion to their Lord. This is great. They simply do not understand poverty.

Why?

Poverty is a mind-set. You can't just give "stuff" to change a way of thinking. If you give someone fifty food boxes with a smile and a "Jesus loves you" it may not mean much to them. It's not that those giving the boxes aren't sincere or that those receiving the boxes aren't grateful.

It's more than. It's feeling inferior to whoever is giving "stuff" because they hold the power and every time you "need" them you are reminded that you do not hold even the own power to care for yourself or your children.

It's feeling ashamed (although, some people adapt to this well and take on the mantle of entitlement).

It's feeling stuck and depressed in a cycle that you have no idea of how to climb out of or how you ended up there in the first place.

It's the lack of contact. Yes, you have received fifty food boxes from the same people but you know them and they know you just the same as the first time you came for a food box. Nothing has changed. It's like a dirty transaction. You don't know their story and they don't know yours--at least not much of it.

It's feeling humiliated.

It's not being treated with dignity.

It's social isolation.

It's voicelessness.

It's continual fear--the struggle.

It's hopelessness.

It is everything that is not Jesus. That is poverty.


To combat the mindset of poverty takes time. Lots of time. It is intentional relationship building. It is not doing for someone what they can do for themselves. It is realizing that giving someone a handout may do more harm than good. It's multifaceted and doesn't have easy answers.

It is easy to think, or perhaps even tell, someone that they should budget their money better. But it is an entirely different think to sit down with someone and teach them how to budget their money and then walk with them and hold them accountable to do it.

Relationships are key throughout the Bible. Our systems are bad because relationships are bad.

One writer says, "poverty is the absence of shalom in all its meanings."

People have a poverty of being. This includes the haves and the have nots, the Church and those outside the Church. We are mutually broken on both sides of the fence (why there even is an "us" and "them" is an entirely different topic--one that warrants its own merit some day).

We don't need to have "god complexes" (we are superior while they are inferior) to save people. We need to recognize that we are all journeying through life together. In fact, we do not need to save them. We need to focus on saving ourselves and, as an outflow of that communion with God, allow Him to lead us to relationships with others and let Him do the saving. We just get to be part of it.

This is why the poverty situation for some people does not change. She will still be coming for the food box. She's still broken. So are you. Until someone realizes it and does something about it, she will receive her smile and "Jesus loves you."

Cost of Disipleship: The Righteousness of Christ

Which is our final authority, Christ or the law? To which are we bound?

Discipleship means adherence to Jesus Christ alone. Jesus Christ fulfills the law. Is one a disciple if they strictly adhere to the law?

No.

"Adherence to the law is something different from following Christ...it means that a legalistic adherence to His person is equally removed from the following of Him. It is, however, Jesus Himself who points to the law those to whom He has granted His whole promise and His whole fellowship. Because it is their LORD who does this, they are bound to acknowledge the law. The question inevitably arises, which is our final authority, Christ or the law? To which are we bound? Christ has said that no law was to be allowed to come between Him and His disciples. Now He tells us that to abandon the law would be to separate ourselves from Him. What exactly does He mean?"

Difference between old law and new law. New law because Christ binds his followers to it.

The law is required to enter the kingdom of heaven, for it is the indispensable condition of discipleship.

The law is not itself God, nor is God the law.


Only in personal communion with Him is the law fulfilled.

Jesus, the champion of the true law, must suffer at the hands of the champions of the false law.

The law matters. It matters to Jesus. It matters to me as a follower of Jesus. I must abide by the law.

"It is possible to teach the law without fulfilling it" (pg. 107)

Only the doer of the law can remain in communion with Jesus.

"Again, it is not enough to teach the law of Christ, it must be done" (pg.109)

Cost of Discipleship: The Visible Community

The disciples of Jesus are to be the salt of the earth.

Jesus calls from the salt of the earth.

Salt is the most "indispensable necessity of life."

Jesus calls his disciples to be the salt of the earth (not Himself) because He entrusts His work to them.

The disciple community must be faithful to the mission the call of Christ has given it. (Think of this in the context of our beloved Army... what happens when we are not faithful to the mission that the call of Christ has given us...?)

In the imperishability of salt we have we have a guarantee of the permanence of the divine community.

"Ye are the salt." Jesus does not say: "You must be the salt." It is not for the disciples to decide whether they will be the sale of the earth, for they are so whether they like it or not, they have been made salt by the call they have received.

The call of Christ makes those who response to it the salt of the earth.

Salt can lose its saltiness. 

"The call of Jesus Christ means either that we are the salt of the earth, or else we are annihilated; either we follow the call or we are crushed between it. There is no question of a second chance."

The call makes disciples the light of the world.

This light is not an instrument that has been put into the disciples hands, such as their preaching. It is the disciples themselves.

The call can be denied. Extinguished. This happens due to fear, idols, false allegiances, deliberate conformity to the world, complacency, comfort on all levels, entitlement, pride...

Christ calls. We respond. We bear Him image.

The call keeps us.

Communion with Him matters.

Defining "Christian"

Given the traumatic political landscape and current sick and sad situation in our nation (racism in many facets, black injustice, gun violence, unwanted homelessness, food deserts, lack of access to services, etc, etc, etc), and of those who claim to be "Christians," I think it is time for those of us, who also call ourselves "Christians," to define what that actually means.

I am young, but I am supposing that at one point if one needed help in defining what "Christian" meant and did not even know they could go to the Bible (if they had access to one), that one could go to the "Christian Church." Here, the "Christians" within would be able to demonstrate what it meant to be a "Christian" and not just tell  them what it meant to be a "Christian." These "Christian" churches wouldn't lord their wealth and privilege over those who looked and smelled differently than they, or, heaven forbid, those who were born from another country or spoke a different language. All would be welcome into the "Christian" church to explore, have dialogue, and to truly be loved. They would not be shut out and told "no" out of fear, and because of what the consensus of the "Christian" church feels is right is more important than what truly is right.

Or, in the event that there was no "Christian Church" that one could walk into (maybe their signage was bad? Maybe the non-Christian was not welcome? Maybe the non-Christian was a single mom working three jobs and caring for her children that should couldn't make it there on Sunday morning or Wednesday evening? Maybe the non-Christian didn't speak the "Christian" language of "The-Holy-Christian-Church," etc, etc, etc) then the "Christian" neighbor could help them with this. This "Christian" neighbor would be more than just nice, but would be loving and truly concerned for the well-being of this neighbor. This "Christian" would actually not just know the Bible from studying it (given that said "Christian" actually read and studied their Bible...), they would practice the words contained within and demonstrate it in their conduct of character in all facets of life. Perhaps this "Christian" neighbor would invite one into their home to share a meal, or to build relationship, rather than wait for their "Christian Church" (let's just call it "Six Flags over Jesus") to mail out a pretty, expensive flyer telling (inviting?) people that this one "Christian-themed" event is something that they do not want to miss (rather than, you know, the Jesus that "Christians" say they believe in).

Etc, etc.

The media and my social media feeds show me that "Christians" are good at defining what "Christian" is not, so passionately so that "Christians" employ things that are over and against what "Christianity" teaches. This includes "Christian-ized" hate speech, "Christian" anger, "Christian" this and "Christian" that ("Christian" businesses, a "Christian" chamber of commerce, etc, etc).


I think it is high time that the "Christians" define what "Christian" actually is, rather than what it is not. We all know what "Christian" is not right now. But, then, what is it? What is left once the fingers are done being pointed and the shouting has simmered and the political elections are over and people are denied access to the mental health services they so desperately need? Then, what? Anger?...wait, too late...we are already there. Violence?....nope, already there, too.... Death and destruction (the infamous "End Days" rhetoric)...what's left?

Bigger, fancier "Christian churches"? (Quote: "We pay the sheriff's office to direct traffic for us;" meanwhile, ignoring the fact that many DO NOT even have a car, or gas money, or a bus to TAKE THEM to "Christian Church"...but "Christian Church" may pick them up in a bus or van to bring them to the Church. Good luck getting a ride to get your light bill paid on Monday... from the "Christian Church" or the "Christians" who attend).

 A "Christian" culture (ha...that one made me throw up a little) is left in the wake of "Christians"?

Nope, I've got it....smaller "Christian" churches with bi-vocational pastors struggling to make ends meet for their family as they pastor two churches and work a full-time job without even health benefits? Yup, that's what's left.

Even better yet--what's left is people who have no interest, care or concern for anything identified remotely as "Christian" because they've been cold and hungry, physically and spiritually, one too many times.

Ahh....now I'm on to something. The "Christians" have won. They have gotten what they want. Privilege, "God's favor," economic security...the untouchables have been pushed out because, after all, that's truly what "Christian" means--defending and protecting me and mine for the sake of saving "Christian" to return our "NATION TO ITS ORIGINAL GLORY." I, mean, at least we still pray and then recite the pledge of allegiance, right? (ha!--and, hold on--what happened to the model that Jesus guy did or showed or whatever he did with those beautiful blue eyes he MUST have had because it is in all of iconic paintings of "Christian").

Unfortunately, this probably means "we" (whoever "we" are) can no longer call ourselves "Christians" as the term has been too lax to include to wide a variety of nonsense that truly is not the essence of "Christian." Just because things appear to be "Christian" does not mean it/they are. This includes people (political candidates included), institutions, or a brand of clothing or shoes (I know, I went there...paying more for it and wearing it because it is "Christian" is a good marketing scheme. Jesus didn't wear it and it only separates the privilege that some "Christians" have over others. Shop at a Salvation Army Family Store instead and tithe the rest of the money (albeit I'm biased to the Salvation Army)).

Maybe "Followers of the Way" or "Jesus Folk" or a cute, trendy, post-modern, hipster, millennial term that someone more hip than I could conjure up? Because, after all, that's truly what "Christian" is...hip and trendy...modern...

I am a ragamuffin follower of Jesus Christ. Screwed up with many imperfections and rough patches. But I love my LORD. I'm not empty, but being filled. I'm not standing still, but moving forward and making progress. I'm not the same that I used to be, nor do I want to be. But I DO NOT want to be labeled a "Christian."

This isn't an us versus them sort of thing. This hurts my heart. For my many friends who are not "Christians," I, personally, am so very sorry. I do not contain the words to express how mortified I am within my being on so many levels for what "Christians" and the "Christian Church" has done and will probably continue to do. I have purposely not included "Christian" scripture in this post because, after all, even that, too, has been misinterpreted as "Christian."

The Cost of Discipleship: The Beatitudes

Jesus is on the mountain. The disciples are there separate from the people they formerly, and so comfortably, belonged to. Once they were called out by Jesus and responded, they had a new identity apart from the crowd.

They were ordinary crowd dwellers until the call.

The disciples staring at the people in the face; the people staring at the disciples in the face. Awkward in some ways, yet definitely different than their pre-Jesus experience.

The disciples were still a part of the people, but Jesus sees them differently, even though they may not see themselves as distinctly different yet. "But disciples and people are one, for they are all members of the Church which is called of God."

"They have only Hi, and with Him they have nothing, literally nothing in the world, but everything with and through God."

His rejection is theirs. They now belong together.

These "called out" ones are blessed because the call and promise;

they are poor because they have no security, no possessions to call their own, not even a foot of earth to call their home, no earthly society to claim their absolute allegiance. No spiritual power, experience or knowledge to afford them consolation or security;

For His sake they have lost all.

(* Note: The Anti-Christ also calls the poor blessed, but for quite a different reason, not for the sake of the cross, which embraces all poverty and transforms it into a source of blessing...he raises a smoke screen of political and social ideology. He may call it Christian, but that only makes him still a more dangerous enemy)

they are mourning because they are refusing to be in tune with the world or to accommodate oneself to its standards; mourning for the world, for its guilt, its fate and its fortune;

(The gulf is widened more between the disciples and the people with each beatitude)

they are meek because renounce every right of their own to live for the sake of Jesus Christ. They show by every word and gesture that they do not belong to this earth;

they hunger and thirst after righteousness as they renounce their own righteousness because Jesus did, too;

they are merciful because they renounced their own dignity as they take upon themselves the distress and humiliation and sin of others willingly;

they are pure in heart because they have surrendered their hearts completely to Jesus so that He may reign in them (pure hearts see God);

they are peacemakers because they have been called to peace as children of God. They must not only have peace, but must also make peace. Peace was made upon the cross.

they are persecuted because of the sake of Christ.

The Cost of Discipleship: Discipleship and the Individual

Through the call of Christ men become individuals. Every man is called separately, and must follow alone.

For some reason we are afraid of solitude. We often equate solitude with loneliness even though they are quite different from one another.

A barrier is set up between a person and their natural life once they become a believer. Life looks differently and our response to life, and even to what reality actually is, must reflect that reality.

Christ came between man and the natural life in His incarnation. The call of Christ brings individuals face to face with the Mediator.

"The call of Jesus teaches us that our relation to the world has been built on an illusion"

"For the Christian the only God-given realities are those he receives from Christ.

Following Christ means a change in situation. Now everything must pass through Christ. While the outward appearance may look the same, the inward is completely different.

We enter into discipleship alone but are not lonely. We have the fellowship of the Church.