Listening to the rain pour down from our hotel in France has me reflecting about how faithful God is to his children and how much I need to keep things in prespective.
Andy and I have had a long and difficult several months and I have often felt the desire to just give up officership. I know I am called to this ministry but I'm tired physically and spiritually. No need for me to discuss it further because my friends who will read this are either in the same place or have been there recently. It is vulnerable to write it but many of you have felt the same thing. If you are dong your job this is hard soul work and you know it.
No pity or details are needed. Just prayer warriors needed to pray for our corps people.
I need to remember my first love.
During this vacation I read several books and one was a biography by Eric Metaxas about Bonhoeffer. In the book he quotes Hitler saying that you can't win war with Salvation Army methods.
This led me to think about Salvation Army war methods. We are most certainly in a war where we are either watching or ignoring people going to hell everyday. What do we do about it?
We program and run ourselves into the ground for 'the sake of the salvation war.' But what are we doing? How is success measured and who gets to measure it?
For me success is knowing that I have an all encompassing, actively engaging realtionship with my savior and that he is leading me in my time management, heart breaking decisions, in my child rearing, and everything else. It is taking time to be holy and remembering my first love.
Our corps is engaged in some heavy spiritual warfare and we have felt ill equipped to handle it. Go ahead, judge me and my spiritual walk but it's not like there is a class at training school called "what to do when the demonized and oppressed start manifesting in the middle of a holiness meeting," etc.
I have asked several godly people for advice and have turned to the scriptures and we will continue to work through it as it is happening with different people (even our corps children!) quite frequently as of late.
I got so desperate at one point that I called DHQ and asked them what to do (yes, you can laugh!!).
So we need this retreat far away from home to enjoy each other and our savior. I am remembering my first love.
Recently a friend told me that it is as if I am a warrior rushing into to spiritual battle but I am not ready. I need to retreat, strategize and then continue on. The conviction that came from that revelation is now dear to me.
You can't win war with Salvation Army methods?
If the methods of our army are that my stats will be down, then no, you can't win a war that way or self- perpetuate our organization.
If the methods of this war are bathed in prayer, scripture, holiness, and spirit-guided living-- well then, yes, you can win and scripture tells us we already have the victory.
Hallelujah!
